What Do You Mean, I’m Going To Die?!?

 

 

The following is a true story…

It was May 11, 2016 an incredibly beautiful sunny day in the mid 70’s, one of those stunning days you just want to play hooky or sit outside on a bench with a glass of  ice tea, & a great book under a shade tree near the lake.  No humidity & everything looked so clear & vividly bright today.  I really woke up with a burst of energy because all I had to do away from home today was go to my doctors appointment for test results from my new patient exam.

 

My dog Lacey & I lost track of time walking on the lake shore putting our feet in the water, watching the ducks & boats go by.  Then Lacey got too close to the edge of the pier & fell into the lake but started instinctively swimming even though that was her first time even seeing water.  I pulled her back out quickly but it was too late, that accidental slip into the clear lake scared her to go back in willingly.  Lacey decided it was time to get back to our walk along the lake.

 

I looked at my phone for the time & realized I had better get Lacey back home so I could get to my appointment at the doctors on time.  I thought since it wouldn’t take long, maybe we could walk to Dairy Queen for some ice cream after I got back from my appointment.  Yeah, that would be nice & Lacey would be able to try ice cream for the first time too today.

 

I rescued Lacey from the County Shelter.  It had been 2 years since my last dog died at 17.5 years old & I realized it was time to start looking for another fur buddy again.  I went to the Shelter on a Saturday to just see what it was like, I’d never been there before.  When I walked in I was shown the door for dogs & told I could just look around as long as I wanted.  I walked in & every dog in there was barking to plead their own personal case with me.  It was very cool in there, of course it was winter here in January, but the dampness smell of wet dog just seemed to give that extra chill of nervousness.  It was me that was nervous, I almost felt like I was cheating on my previous fur baby that had died of respiratory complications after a long illness.

 

 I made my way around the entire side of dog kennels, starting with the littlest ones, to the “big dog” room.  The “big dogs” were medium sized & above, & you knew it because the barking went from “yips” to deep barks.  Every dog in that place was barking, I found, except for only one: a mostly white, long hair medium size dog that just laid in her cage.  Door had a paper that said “Fluffy”, but she really didn’t look like a Fluffy, she was too big to be Fluffy, I personally think of a Fluffy as a little poodle size dog, but that’s just me.  So I decided to leave & “think about it”.

 

 Being home I couldn’t get “Fluffy” off my mind.  I went online & saw her picture, that she was a mix of Border Collie & Akita.  When I inquired about her they told me she was deaf, 4 different families took her home & brought her back.  No one wanted “Fluffy”, no reported problems except “she doesn’t get along with children & other dogs, she doesn’t handle well on a leash, oh & she’s deaf.”  I went back to see “Fluffy” again & still the only dog in the place not barking.  I asked her if she want to come home with me, by hand signals & she stood up & came to the door gate.  I took her home.

 

At home, I read all her papers from the Shelter to find out: she’s lived her whole 2.5 years in a shelter & spent her earliest years in a Kill Shelter in Kentucky before being shipped to my county/state.  I change her name after getting a lot of suggestions from all my wonderful online friends to:  Lacey, who incidentally is the most loving, smart, easy to handle & NOT deaf dog I’ve ever had.  She makes my heart smile everyday & is a blast to be with while she experiences something new to her everyday, like the lake & ice cream!

 

 

Lives can change in an instant

 

I walked into the Clinic for my doctors appointment & being a nurse, I know most of the staff in one way or another, growing up here.  In the lobby I saw an older woman come out of the doctors door & the staff asked her to wait there for her paperwork.  She was frail, pale & her eyes were so sad, but she remained quiet, she looked around at the furniture & sat across from me.  Her eyes after a moment looked up & around the lobby area when they finally met mine.  I smiled at her & I noticed her eyes tear up & then she looked down, while fidgeting with her hands & fingers.  I moved my focus to the magazine about gardens in my hand, but I realized she most likely was given a sad diagnosis & my heart went out to her. 

 

 In my long career as an RN, I have seen & witnessed countless numbers of people receive sad diagnosis’s but as their nurse I was able to give them the compassion they required before they left my care.  However, this poor frail lady I was sitting across from in the lobby of the doctors office, I was in an uncomfortable foreign position since she was not my patient & I was not the nurse.  As I looked down staring at the pictures in the magazine all I could think about was how she shouldn’t have been alone at a time like this, no one should be.  But my thoughts were soon interrupted by a voice saying something to me.  As I looked up I noticed the voice was from the sad lady…. “I’m so sorry dear, thank you for your sweet smile.”  I smiled again & thanked her, returning to my magazine minding my own business.  Then I heard her speak again saying:  “Are you here to see the doctor or waiting for someone?”  I informed her I was here for me.  She further stated:  “he’s such a good man & good doctor.”  I thought to myself, in my experience most patients don’t compliment a doctor if they’ve given them a sad diagnosis, I must have guessed wrong.

 

 After what seemed like a long several minutes, the older frail woman said quietly: “he gave me some bad news”, I looked up, she was looking right at me.  Unthinking, I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, she shook her head, yes: “do you mind?”  I got up & went over to next to her as I saw her eyes were tearing up, taking her pale slender hand I asked her what I could do to help.  She looked at me & said: “I’m all alone & I’ve got bad news.”  I asked if she had any family, children, friends or close friends I could call for her.  She said: “my daughter.”  She opened up her purse & took out a pen for me.  As I wrote her daughters phone number she gave me on my hand, I told her I would call her right now.

 

After calling this lady’s daughter, I came back to find her staring at the wall as I sat down beside her, I took her pale slender hand in mine & asked what could I do to help & introduced myself to her.  I’m Linda.   She said, thank you Linda I’m Maggie.  She went on to say, “I just don’t know what to do, I’m widowed you know, live alone & now that nice doctor is telling me I’m not going to live much longer.  I just don’t understand, I feel fine, how can that be when I feel fine, now I just want to lay down & go to sleep, I guess that’s what you do when you’re suppose to die isn’t it?” 

 

 I squeezed Maggie’s hand gently & said to her that I didn’t think the doctor meant that she would die right now, she has plenty of time.  Maggie looked up at me with her eyes still teary & said: “do you think so, do you think I won’t die tonight?”  I smiled & said, No Maggie, not tonight, you aren’t going to die until you are ready to die & only you will know when that is.  Maggie looked at me & said: “but he said he found a small tumor that needs to come out or I’ll die.”  I asked Maggie if she was going to have it removed & she quickly said: “yes, but I’m scared I’ll die.  I have no control of this,”  as a tear rolled down her cheek.

 

I pulled my chair around in front of Maggie to face her & softly said to her, Maggie only you have the power to believe in yourself, only you have the strength to fight through this, only you have to will to go on, only you have the ability to believe in yourself.  Your mind & your heart have to work together with these thoughts to get you through this, don’t give up get strong, don’t give up believe, don’t lay down get up & fight.

 

 I then felt Maggie squeeze my hands with a big smile on her face as she said: “I’m going to do that!  I’m going to fight, I’m going to be strong & I’m going to believe!”  She then stood up put her arms around my neck & gave me a big hug.  At that moment, a woman approached us & I heard her say “mom”, it was Maggie’s daughter.  I was introduced to Maggie’s daughter Lynn as the nurse came out of the doctors office with her paperwork.

 

 I was then called into the doctors office door & as I turned to walk away, Maggie grabbed my arm with a big smile gave me a hug again saying “thank you dear I’ll never forget your words.”

 

While sitting in the exam room for my test results, I thought about the older frail woman & I couldn’t help but smile when the doctor walked in.  He came over & gave me a big hug – we had worked together in the past before my accident. 

 

Doc (as I always called him), sat down on the stool, opened up his laptop, looked at me saying: “I’m going to get right to this, you have bone cancer.”

 

 As I sat there looking at him, I saw nothing but I heard those 2 words: bone cancer.  I reflected back to the year my father died from ‘bone cancer’.  I reflected to all the patients I care for receiving the diagnosis of ‘bone cancer’.  I knew the drill, the chemo treatments, the surgeries, but the pain from bone cancer was the worst cancer pain there was.  My parents, friends, Lacey, family, my nursing career, patients I’ve counseled, my book to be published, golf, Maggie the older frail lady, so many different things were racing through my head like a Formula 1 race at 200+ miles per hour.  But the words ‘bone cancer’ kept echoing over & over & over….

 

 In the echoing I heard a voice saying “Linda… Linda”…..  it was Doc, looking at me talking but I heard nothing until I felt someone hug me.  It was Doc & his nurse – a colleague, talking to me.  Then quiet, my thoughts stopped, they stopped.  I looked at Doc & said NO, no this can’t be.  I don’t feel like I have cancer, no I don’t.  Doc looked at me & promised he was going to get to the bottom of this & be with me through “the whole thing.”  I knew he would because he was that type of unique physician & I trusted him.  Then he showed me the computer results & concerns from my initial visit with him 2 days prior.  Then he said:  “We’ll start running tests today especially because of your Breast cancer history.

 

Testing ran daily between lab work, imaging & invasive scans.  It was a long week of getting poked & viewed inside out but it was necessary.  I remained strong & confident that I was fine.  The next Monday I was called back into Doc’s office for results & the results were too inconclusive and it was time for an Oncology Consult “to find the source of the bone cancer.”  Doc picked up the phone & called the Oncologist telling him he was waiting for a call back but since I was in the office, he’s call him now.  Tests, lab work & imaging was discussed in front of me & the arrangements were made for me to come in the next day to the Oncologist.

 

Up until now, I was keeping all this preliminary diagnosis & testing to myself.  However, now I needed to inform my family since my brother knew what my Dad had gone through, it wouldn’t have been fair to keep this from him.  I’m very glad I did share this heavy load because I know only too well how hard it was handling this alone during my breast cancer many years ago.

 

The Oncologist was of the UK decent & listening to him talk with his thick UK accent, truly brought me comfort because I have many wonderful online friends I work with who are also from & still in the UK.   He discussed my tests with me, showing me details on the computer & the plan he had for determining a correct diagnosis or ruling it out, starting today with more lab work.  In addition he ordered even more imaging & scheduled a bone biopsy procedure for me in 3 days.

 

I knew this meant even more unusual testing of some sort for the rest of the week & the bone biopsy procedure.  For this round of testing I will not go into graphic detail, but will admit to have them done & over with.  My results appointment was already scheduled for the following week.  So I had 7 full days to distract myself, keep others spirits up & wait for the results.

 

 On June 16, 2016, I went in for my follow up results appointment with the Oncologist.  He walked in the exam room door, walked over to me & said to me; you’re fine, I do NOT believe this is cancer, then he gave me a big hug!   He further said they’ve found with all the weeks of testing; “how incredibly healthy I really am!”  Then he sat down with his computer & said: “let me show you this very rare type of bone condition you have.”  From that point I had to force myself to concentrate on his words because all I could think about was how blessed I was to be cancer free & healthy!

 

 Driving home after my appointment with the Oncologist, I couldn’t help but think about Maggie, the older frail woman I met 35 days ago in the clinic lobby on May 11th when I first went in to get my initial exam follow up from my new doctor I call “Doc.”  I couldn’t stop smiling because when I spoke to her to help her get herself back together in support of her sad diagnosis.  At that moment I was comforting Maggie as a nurse, which I’ve done thousands of times with patients during my career as an RN.  I was giving her the words of strength, belief & the will to get through her cancer diagnosis. 

Little did I know that 5 minutes later, I too would have to put my own mind & heart in to sync working together, in order in get myself into the right strength, belief & the will to get through my own cancer diagnosis for the next 35 days.  The only part I never told: with bone cancer one generally has up to 6 months to live.  I never spoke those words to anyone, because I never believed it in my heart or my mind…

 

 

“I am stronger, because I had to be”…

 

Thank you for visiting:  Daily Adversity Support

 

 I do hope you have enjoyed this message today & it has inspired you do stand up & make a difference in your own life.  Please feel free to leave me a comment below to share how this has made you think about your own situation.

 

 

 

BY THE WAY: Are you having challenges or struggling with things in you life, lost your job, out of money, recovery from injuries with bills coming in overwhelming you, grieving, down or depressed?  I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there, it hurts, its terrifying & you have no clue where to turn.

 

I honestly have been through this myself.  I was in a tragic accident 2 years ago & lost my job / income, my health & mobility.  I was devastated, the bills never stopped coming in & I was drowning in debt.  Sound somewhat familiar?

 

For those of you who have been requesting privacy regarding questions & further issues, you may email me at:      linda@dailyadversitysupport.com